Depression? I Will Not Succumb to It! No!
Sometimes by telling one's story, one can help others. Lately, I've been feeling a change in my spirit. I've gone on daily with trying to fight it. I mean, I am the Positive Princess, and I couldn't be falling into this. Then on Saturday, I woke up, taught my VIPKid students and then went back to sleep, to only be awaken by my father at my door at 10:00 am. He came in to town to spend some time with my son and I. We went to the mall and got something to eat, all within two hours, and then we said our goodbyes and my Dad was back on the road. My Dad will drive two in a half hours to stay two hours and leave, but we are always happy to see him.
I got back in the bed at 1:00 pm. I stayed in bed until a little after 5:00 pm. I didn't want to get up. Right then and there I knew I was fighting against something that I like to call “the battle in my mind.” Which, I always try to win. Lately, all I've been thinking about was what I didn't have and how my dreams, were slowly beginning to become obsolete. Like, I am 38 no husband and no one in sight. I started to think that I wasn't worthy and that I should give up on the idea of marriage, let alone another child. Like something has to be wrong with me.
And you know with one negative thought comes another negative thought. Like, I'm really living a lie. The life that I imagined to have at this age, is not! Why didn't I major in Film & Producing? That is my love, entertainment. Why has my life gone down this path? Why are my friends married? Why am I raising a son on my own? The list, began to go on and on. Feelings of negative self reflection, rejection, intimidation, and so many things went on. When I finally got out of bed, I went to Target with my son, was back at home by 8:00 pm and in the bed, lights off at 9:00 pm and I’m back in the covers thinking of everything wrong.
So, today, I woke up and and went where some sick people go to get healed-Church. I almost turned around while driving to church, but I kept going. I went to the balcony and began to worship God. This might sound cache to some people, but, this service was for me and a lot of other sick people. I was among a lot of hurt people mentally. We worshiped and thanked God, cried, and got a renewing of our minds. Bishop Murphy told us all to smile this entire week. Then he sung, "This joy that I have, the world didn't give it, and the world can't take it to me. Now, that’s some PPOP inspiration! “The World Didn’t Give it, and the World Can’t Take It from Me!” And to add, “I will not take my own joy!”
I decided after I left church to get my eyebrows waxed-I know, it's the little things. I decided to take myself to see my girl Taraji P. Henson in "What Men Want." Yes, one thing about me is I will take myself out. I did a quick selfie, a quick live video, and went to the movies. Boy is laughter the best medicine. This movie was was so hilarious!
I said all that to say, there are going to be times, when you will throw yourself a pity party and think of everything that you don't have. You are only human, don’t stay there! You have to pick yourself up and keep going. We all go through things. Every person, whether married, single, no matter how much money, how successful, how much someone has or doesn’t have,everyone at some time battles things in their mind, some call it depression. It is ok. When you feel it coming, you are going to have to move and get out of your comfort zone. Battles are truly fought in your mind.
Think of everything you have to be grateful for. Walk away for a minute from social media. Life is not always fair, but you have a lot to thank God for. I had to reach into my bag of gratitude and think about what I have. Yes, there is a lot that I want, and yes there are a lot of should''ves, could'ves, and would'ves, but I am very blessed! You are too! As long as you have life, you have another chance at LOVE, your DREAMS, and NEW BEGINNINGS. Yes, praise God for New Beginnings and Second Chances!
Take hold, and don't give up even when you feel like you are in the "Quicksand of life." You are not alone. We all are striving to Live Our Best Lives! We all want the most and and best out of life! We all doubt at times, and we all want to give up. But the beauty is not giving up.
There's always another chance. To anyone battling depression, I pray that you are able to get out of that fiery pit of rejection. You are enough! You are loved! You Matter! You are Beautiful, just the way you are! Your dreams Can Come True! You are not too old! It’s not too late! You might have made a ton of mistakes, but those mistakes can be valuable lessons.
And, if you can’t deal with it alone, please seek help. We all need someone from time to time.
There's more to come of this. Stay tuned!
It's not too late, and remember you are truly enough! Kisses and Hugs!
Love,
Your PPOP Sister
Erin Johnell Dickey
